What To Do When Your Worship Leader Is Out of Control

In this column of In It to Win It, I answer the following, very difficult question:

Dear Brad,

My worship leader is out of control. I want him to rock things out on Sundays and he keeps telling me that he doesn’t have the ability to do it. What should I do? Help!

Sincerely,

Down and Desperate

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Dear Down,

It’s in critical moments like these that you need to seize the bear by the paws and light him on fire. History has shown that leadership is tested in moment of extreme crisis. Robert E. Lee at the battle of Gettysburg. Abraham Lincoln and the march on Memphis. Martin Luther and the lion’s den. A leader either rises over adversity or is crushed beneath it.

You need to rise my friend. Rise like a kite, carried on the winds of adversity.

Now, what exactly should you do? I would advise you to step in and show your worship leader who’s boss. Here’s just a few suggestions.

• Lead worship yourself for several Sundays. Sometimes you just have to lead by example. Now, I realize that you can’t play an instrument or sing, but that doesn’t really matter. Just last month I led worship at our church using nothing but a karaoke machine and a whole lot of passion. I just got the karaoke tracks from the most recent Kanye West album and rewrote the lyrics.

• Hire a band to come and play at your church. If the band at your church can’t cut it, bring in some guys that can. I’ve got a buddy named Tito who plays 13 different instruments. Sometimes when I want to shake things up, I have Tito come and lead worship. Next month he’ll be leading worship on the trumpet.

• Try some alternative forms of worship. There are some bleeding edge churches who are exploring all sorts of different worship forms. Tap dance worship, non-singing silent worship, prayer maze worship, worship in mime – it’s all out there. Maybe it’s time to break the mold.

I understand your struggle my friend. But remember, as they say in the Navy, no pain, no progress. Until next time, stay in it to win it.

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How To Win Respect And Influence People

Welcome to another installation of In It to Win It, the column that is making waves throughout the evangelical world. I’m Pastor Brad Towers, and I answer all the questions that are burning a hole in the back of your brain. Today’s question is:

Dear Brad,

I’m a new pastor at a church and I don’t feel like people respect me. What can I do to gain people’s respect?

Sincerely,

Large and NOT In Charge

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Dear Large,

I feel your pain. As I’ve often said, leaders are like mountain peaks – above the world and often misunderstood and disrespected by the world. You’ve got to fight for people’s respect. To earn it. Here are a few things I’ve done here at Ridge View to earn people’s respect:

• Adopt a title that carries respect and insist that people call you by that title. For about a month I went by the title “Lieutenant General Pastor Brad Towers”, and I made dang sure that people called me by my official title. I actually applied to the state of Pennsylvania to have the title legally added to my name, but it turns out that there’s some silly rule about using military titles if you’ve never been in the military. Check with your state officials and see if it’s the same.

• Wear a uniform that forces people to respect you. This Sunday I will be wearing an exact replica of the uniform worn by General Napoleon Bonaparte at the Battle of Waterloo. That’s the kind of bold, in your face leadership that people can’t ignore.

• Decorate your office in a powerful manner. If you want to command respect you need to surround yourself with symbols of respect. In the corner of my office I have a full suit of armor, and my wall is totally covered in photos of wild, voracious animals, like eagles, wild boars, and hippopotamus’ (which kill more people in Africa than any other animal). Instead of sitting in an office chair I actually sit in a throne made of ivory, which I happened to pick up at a second hand shop.

If you employ these methods, you will be able to command the same respect that I do. Until next time, I’m Pastor Brad Towers, and remember, if you’re not in it to win it, you’re not in it at all.

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Flying In Church

I suppose you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in a few days. I’ll tell you why: I’ve been nursing a sprained shoulder ever since Tim Heller fell on me while I was preaching this past Sunday.

I was preaching a sermon entitled “Reach A Little Higher, Dream A Little Harder, Fly A Little Farther”, and I was talking about taking a step of faith and reaching out for your dreams. To push the inspiration envelope a little further, I had pinned up several pictures of bald eagles and majestic mountains on the wall behind me.

As the sermon reached a crescendo I said, “Brothers and sisters, sometimes you just need to jump and see what happens.” At that moment Tim Heller stood up on his pew and jumped into the air.

Now, earlier this week I had asked Tim if he would be willing to be a living illustration for the church. I told him about my sermon and asked him if he would be willing to wear one of those flying harnesses that they use on Broadway. You know what I’m talking about. A person is in the harness, which is attached to a wire, which is attached to a contraption that controls how high and fast a person flies.

Tim said that he was a little nervous about the whole thing and, couldn’t I just show a YouTube clip, which was my normal course of action. I assured him that nothing could go wrong and that my worship leader, Thad, would be controlling the harness.

So he agreed and we rigged him up on Sunday morning before everyone else got there. So far, so awesome.

But apparently these flying harnesses are a little harder to control than I had initially anticipated. Tim leaped from his pew into the air and immediately flew 15 feet straight up, smashing directly into the ceiling. I looked at Thad and noticed that he had a slightly panicked look on his face.

Then Tim swung out over the congregation and hung there for about fifteen seconds, sort of like a limp puppet. He had this look on his face that was either really scared or really happy. I couldn’t tell which one.

By that point I thought that Thad had finally figured out how to work the harness. Not so fast.

Tim then came barreling straight at me. I tried to get out of the way but it was no use. Tim is a pretty big guy and he basically tackled me. I hit the ground, he hit the ground, and I think I blacked out for a second. I tried to get up and finish my sermon but I was having trouble putting words together, so I just dismissed everyone.

Now my shoulder hurts like crazy and Tim is saying that he’ll never trust me again. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

Has anyone else tried this before?

I Don’t Understand Why Ushers Can’t Be Trained Assassins

I just got off the phone with Chris Bennett, who leads our ushering team, and I’m not too happy.

All I wanted was for our ushers to be thoroughly trained in hand-to-hand combat and Brazilian jujitsu, in case of emergency. And maybe to be used in occasional sermon illustrations. And possibly to have a mixed martial arts ministry within the church.

But Chris said he didn’t think that it was really “practical” to ask all our ushers to attend combat training, especially since some of them are women in their upper sixties.

I was like, “Practical? How can guarding my life not be practical? I just read in the paper about a convenience store robbery that happened in New York City. Do you want that kind of stuff happening in Ridge View Bible Church? Do you want my blood on your head?”

Chris said he didn’t think that kind of thing would happen here, and that technically there had never been any robbery of any sort in Ridge View, and that the last real crime had occurred five years ago.

I said, “Chris, there’s a well known saying: ‘assumptions killed the cat’. Are you going to be able to live with yourself if I get mugged while preaching?”

He said he would.