For the last month I’ve been working on the biggest, secretest project of my pastoral career. This is bigger than the time I made a full size eagle costume for the “fly away from your problems” sermon illustration. This is bigger than the time I almost booked Pat Sajak (he backed out at the last minute with an ‘alleged’ stomach problem – whatever) to preach at my church.
What am I talking about?
The Christmas Pageant Extravaganza 2011.
Let’s face it folks, Christmas has fallen on some dang hard times. Just look around. People are putting inflatable reindeer in their yards and calling it “Christmas”. Yeah right pal. That ain’t Christmas where I come from. It’s time to put the “mas” (Spanish for “more”) back in Christmas. It’s time to make Christmas special again. To get away from all the hustle and bustle and focus on what really matters.
If we’re going to reach the lost, we’ve got to appeal to the lost. We’ve got to open up their chests, take out their hearts, and pour a whole lot of love into them.
Hence the pageant.
I haven’t arranged all the details yet, but on Christmas day you will find all of the following in my church.
Twelve Dancing Dwarfs – So it turns out that elves aren’t real. They don’t teach you stuff like that in grade school. No wonder our schools are failing. Anyway, elves aren’t real, but dwarfs are, and I managed to secure the services of a dancing dwarf troop called “The Flying Dutchmen”. I think that they can sing too, and I’m hoping for some sort of rendition of “Silent Night” mixed in with Irish step dancing.
Four Live Camels - After this nasty camel incident, camels are selling for dirt cheap on Ebay. I bought four of them and have them tied up out back. I’m thinking that some of the children in the church may want to ride into the pageant on the camels. Or maybe some of the elderly folk. It could be like a sign of respect for them, or something like that.
Kenny G – Okay, so I haven’t actually booked Kenny G yet, but I do have a call into his agent. And you’ve got to admit, it would bring down the house if Kenny G was in the house. Nothing says Christmas like Kenny G, except for maybe Bing Crosby. I wasn’t successful in securing the services of Bing, but I did try.
A Flaming Christmas Tree – I’ve got my people working on this one as we speak. Basically, I want a forty foot flaming Christmas tree in the center of the church. It would be like a combination of the burning bush (Old Testament), and a Christmas tree (New Testament). There may be a few safety issues, but I really think it’s manageable.
What else should be included in the pageant?
I think you should add a give-away. Maybe have a few sticks of incense for everyone and a grand prize of some gold for someone sitting in the right seat. If you can find a wise-man or three to pass out the gifts, it would be even better.
I’m sorry, I was with you up until Kenny G. Then I threw up in my mouth a little.
This is about Christmas…the birth of a baby. Do you know any young pregnant women who could arrange to be induced so that they would give birth as a part of the extravaganza. C’mon! This would surely bring people into the reality of Christmas.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Thankyou! I needed a laugh! I know it’s so NOT funny, this kind of thing, but even Elijah had some fun at the expense of the prophets of Baal, and the story of Esther, Mordecai, and Haman has me in stitches at the part where Haman trots out all the things he thinks the King should do for the person he wants to exalt, only to be told to go do all those things for his enemy. PERSONALLY!! HAHAHAHA!
Interesting factoid; the few places that the bible mentions God laughing? He’s laughing at His enemies. Something tells me the ‘laughing revivals’ are missing something. They couldn’t be making the same mistake as Haman. Could they?
Anyhow, great satire, keep it up.
Shalom,
Alan.